Sweet Relief

It's 6:30AM and it is a morning/day I had been waiting for, for 2ish weeks.  I get up, quietly, not to wake the Brittsy, and wrestle with the most stupid packaging for a pregnancy test that I can think of. Pee on a stick as I have done more times than I would like to count, wait...wait... Oh, yup, it's negivite again.  Throw the test stick away and crawl back into bed.  


While in bed I think.... ah, thank goodness...


"DID I JUST SERIOUSLY FEEL RELIEVED?" 


My next thoughts go a little something like this...


Ok, I am not disappointed, I actually feel like a HUGE weight has gone off my back now that I have ridden myself of that pathetic piece of plastic in that silly, old trash can.

After Dr's appointments more than once a week at both Scottsdale offices, 

yet ANOTHER HSG (histosalpinogram - that hurt like hell), 

blood tests that I actually had to starve myself, and wait for more than 1/2 hour to have my blood drawn (admit tingly after that appointment I stuffed myself with as much food as humanly possible thinking 'who cares what weight watchers says?'), 

having ultrasound after ultrasound, 

watching my two dominant follicles grow, 

waking up at 2AM having Gunnar give me a shot in the pa-too-tee and feeling incredibly nauseous throughout the next day, 

getting 'business' done EXACTLY 42 hours later, 

waiting two weeks, 

taking what they "called" cherry flavored progesterone lozenges that actually did NOT taste like cherry but actual bile that had sat in the AZ sun for a whole day AND....

consequently having the WORST breakouts start on my upper chest and move all the way to my forehead just as we are going on vacation to FL. 

Really, relief?


Next thought,


"I'm done."


After talking to Gunnar, both of us agreed that we were going to take a 1 cycle, cold turkey, time out of this "baby making" stuff.  


This meant: 
no more Metformin, 
no more Femara (that gave me hot flashes and the craziest mood swings Gunnar has ever seen since taking Birth Control), 
no more counting days, 
no expensive ovulation tests,
no more Dr appointments
no more shots at 3AM
no more "timed business action"
NO MORE! IM DONE!


It was completely liberating! That cycle came and went far far too fast.  I needed more time. So we gave it another cycle. This cycle of freedom came with a big "GUILT" card that I, myself had placed upon me.  I was happy, things were easy and I was not as much as a basket case as I had been the previous 6 months when we started down this path. Yet, I had this lingering thoughts in my mind like "there are SO many people that go through SO much more than I have, and I am taking a break?? I shouldn't feel so content with NOT doing all I can to have a baby.  How can I be so happy when I really SHOULD have another baby.  I am incredibly selfish!" 


 I expressed these thoughts to Bethany explaining that there must be something wrong with me that I am feeling so elated but, these thoughts of guilt kept creeping into my mind.  She reassured me that those thoughts are guilt that we as women tend to put on ourselves and that I needed to remind myself how I am feeling and the other thoughts that lead me to take a break in the first place. 


 After much advice from Bethany AND Gunnar I soon realized there is nothing wrong with being happy with where we are.  Gunnar said to me one night that I was especially feeling quite selfish for being so happy. He said "If you were taking a break and this was not what the Lord wants you to do, you would feel horrible and sad and wishing you were doing more.  You would not feel good."  


Then it clicked. My hands went up, I stopped trying to control things that I feel are out of our control and are in His control. It is a terrifying yet a completely freeing feeling leaving and giving this part of our life in the hands of the Lord. I know, with out a doubt that we had Britta when we needed to (despite our wanted timeline) and this next one, if there even is a next one, will come in His time as well.  


That doesn't mean we are completely  done with using methods of modern medicine.  We are taking a breath, a pause a heartbeat, at least until we feel it is time to start up again.  Right now we feel as if that could be at least a few more months or possibly never. But, who knows maybe tomorrow I will get up and think "yep, its time again".  


But as for now we are enjoying our Britta and loving the Sweet Relief.

Real Life I'm Sad To See You Go

Arizona schools systems have this wonderful thing called "fall break".  This year we took advantage of the kiddo (and kiddos) being off school and playgroups and my parents got a beach house in Captiva, Florida.  It is a little Island off the west coast of Florida and it is AMAZING.  We had gone there about 4 years ago (pre britta) and had a blast and I along with the rest of my family dreamed of the day when we would go back.  Happy to say that time was last week.

After a great week (see pictures below) I have come to the conclusion that, there, in Captiva is where our real life is.  Family, food, nightly scripture study, sun, rain, sand, beach, animals, fishing, sunbathing, manatee & dolphin watching and best of all family bonding time.  

I would like to think that our "so called" reality (home in AZ) is not reality at all.  Busy days and bills to pay as well as all the pressures that this world has to offer is no longer real.  No, our reality is in Captiva. It was the perfect way to jump start our "hormone detox".  No worries, just reflection on life while gazing out at the ocean filled with sunsets that dazzle at dusk.  So take a gander at our real life that we had to leave...

The Bubble Room's AMAZING Orange Crunch Cake
A MUST HAVE!

Captiva is the mecca of sea shells!
And boy did we go "shell shopping" as Britta and my mom call it

Britta was quite the snorkerler 

The infamous "Kazoo at the Beach"

Grandma and Britta bonding time

Our own private walkway to our own private beach. 

Real life...

McKay's real life....
America's Next Top Polo model 

More reality 

yup, our reality 

Live Free or Die

At times I feel as if I really need to look back into my family history and see if I have any rebels in my family.  I recently have found myself paused in a moment thinking that I flat just don't fit into the "normal" and "natural" path of things.


1. Britta.  Need I say more?  I have never been the kind of mom who goo's and gaa's over her babies saying what a sweet spirit they bring and how wonderful it is to have her in our home.  I love her, of course.  Somehow I feel, more often than not, that she is a curse, terrorist, a demon to torment me and simply, my nemesis. Many who are around us have heard me say "who did I piss off in the pre-existance to be stuck with her?" Although, on a positive note, Bethany AND my mom have both decreed that there is a special place in heaven for me because of her. (this being after spending the weekend with her) I use that promise to survive the day. 


2.  Babies.  It's not as easy as it looks to have them. Well, at least for us.  That is all I am gonna say.


3.  I have a problem with being told what to do.  Over the simplest most silly things! A horrible example that I am even embarrassed to mention..... Mormon.org.  A good cause, important to show others why I believe what I believe and be a missionary to the world.  But just the simple fact of being told that I need to make a profile online and there was a sign up sheet being passed around this Sunday of those who have already signed up, kinda made me want to grab the paper and rip it up in front of everyone.  Again, horrible, I know, but my truth. 


4. Politics.  I am one of those people who have had the Gadsden Flag on my car BEFORE the tea party movement.  (for those who don't know what that is, it's the "don't tread on me" flag - one of our earliest flags that was created at the beginning of the revolutionary war) again, rebel.  When I told my family that I had registered "independent" 3 years ago  I think they had believed I had turned liberal. Nope, I replied, I just don't want to be associated with EITHER side.  I still stand by that now.


5.  I tend to say what I am thinking, no matter what the appropriateness. There are even times that Gunnar has to "tame" me.  Winter and Casey can testify of this...


and the list goes on....


All in all what makes me think that I belong is this: America began by settlers who were rebels looking for freedom that screamed "Live Free or Die" in the face of a tyrant king. I believe that, that sentiment is within ALL of us Americans.


Some more than others.... I just happen to be the "some more" 

Therapy

There has been so much that has hit our lives recently and find myself wanting to write about it and yet, I have not found the strength or courage to do so. It mostly comes down to finding the courage.  My words have been lacking and my voice has been muddled over by discouragement, sorrow and plain chaos.  For me, my therapy is writing. Something that I like to think that my dear Grandmother, Maggie passed onto me. 

To start from the beginning... I have to update from our previous post.

We have been trying for baby #2 for almost 18 months.  We recently have been seeing I guess you could call a nurse practitioner, infertility specialist.  She is amazing - referred to us by the wonderful Dr. Nelson.  We have been doing the full workup of testing.  We have been through this before with Britta. Its no fun, emotionally and physically draining and terrifying. 

(I will get back to this in a bit)

Along with all the testing our dearest Maggie passed away this past week.  Something unexpected yet perfectly expected.  She would always remind us that she would "twinkle" and twinkle she did.  She is and will always be sorely missed. She lingers with us and will always continue to be a guiding light to our little family.  

With the multiple doctors appointments, medications and mourning this week there has been a peace and a confidence in the outlook for our future. I have no doubt in my mind that we have Maggie looking out for our hopefully growing family.  I know that our prayers are heard and there is a plan for our family and now with Maggie rooting for us from the other side of the veil I have the confidence that the Lord knows what he is doing and we can put our trust in him.     

I apologize for the seemingly long and, much to my dismay, depressing post.  I guess I am looking for my therapy.  I believe that "writing" therapy is a much better option than "retail" therapy at least from Gunnar's perspective.  

I have Paige to thank for giving me inspiration and courage to post about Maggie.  

She is the bestest friend a girl to ask for! Every girl needs a girlfriend just like her! 

Love ya babe! You have certainly made my week more bearable. 

Predictions.

Britta 's life has been somewhat like a hurricane.  Once one location has been demolished, desolated and conquered she moves on to the next stage in her path and does the same thing over and over again.  Quite a force to be reckoned with.  Birthdays for us have never been easy and #3 was no different.  We had a blast, there was NO crying BUT Gunnar was out of town and I was on solo - hence the lack decent pics and my new vow to NEVER have a birthday party alone again.  It was fun, hot and chaotic.  


When I think back at Britta's Birthdays they are very descriptive of how that following year will go.  When she was born she did not sleep for the first 12hrs after she was born and screamed most of those hours.  Very much like her infant year.  Her first Birthday I don't even want to talk about because it was probably the worst birthday I have ever been to.  Lets just leave it at that. During that year she gave us a run for our money.  Just when we thought she would get better... it got worse!


 Second birthday wasn't so bad but there was still a sense of the infant we knew.  Touchy and temperamental.  This year we have had our moments (many of them) but we are surviving.  Her Third birthday was fun but the ENTIRE day of her birthday she was a bon-a-fide birthday monster.  If birthdays are at all the prediction of the future I feel as if we are in for another wild one. It's the only way we know!

The AMAZING birthday cake Bethany made!

lips, make-up and more.  She didn't let go of those for the whole following week!

Better than I even could have imagined!
Bethany I OWE YOU BIG!!

The most AMAZING cake ever! DELISH!

Now that he is naughty...
he's my favorite BOY!

The only real picture of Britta

Ohh! The birthday presents were PERFECT!
She loves every one of them!

She HAD to have her lips opened NOW!

By the end of the party Britta ended with her birthday suit of course!
And can I say the piano from grandma was A-DOR-A-BLE!

Apparently Shelby stole my camera.
I had little control over anything that day
Its more regular than you think!

A happy birthday to Britta - heaven help us.

Forced Freedom

Ah, freedom - something that we take for granted. When we were younger all we wanted to do was grow up and have more FREEDOM.  Freedom to make our own choices, do our own thing, be our own person. As we got that freedom we soon realized that freedom came at a cost.  Costs that consisted of paying taxes, going to work and getting an education and all the lovely things that growing up and having freedom actually means. 

Freedom has a new face in our world.  Britta.  Who else?  

Britta has started preschool this week as well as a new playgroup on Fridays.  Many wonderful exciting things at our house.  I actually get some freedom from Britta. I love that she is growing up and becoming more independent.... at least that is the end goal. 

Britta likes the idea of going to Preschool, but as we drive closer and closer to preschool the water works kicks into high gear .  It is apparent that I am not getting my freedom without a fight.  I should have known, nothing in Britta's life has been easy.  Not even getting her to this earth....

So, I fight on.  With tears and, me all but kicking her into the door and making a run for it and not looking back, before someone stops me and says "yea we changed our minds she maybe needs another year or so..."  You can see from the pictures I try to get her as cute as possible in hope that maybe they will have pity on me and think she is cute enough to have in their class.....

In all honesty this is our reality before preschool.
Cute but not happy about it.

Its not "Freedom isn't Free" at our house... it's Forced.

Angels and Demons

The world is made up of opposites. They attract each other.  There can not be one with out the other. Heavenly Father has made us this way.  This is true with our last endeavor.  We had a chance to go up to Pinetop this last week and we had a wonderful time.  The days were filled with playing outside in the cool, clean mountain air.  It was cold and it rained - we took naps and cooked and ate quite well.  It was heaven.  It was the sabbatical that I needed.  But it came a quite a cost....

Britta was the cost.  She loves the cabin! She plays and Grandma gives her whatever she wants.  She eats and plays with her cousins.  Then the night comes and the Demon rears its ugly head. The first night we gave her, her own room. She went to bed great but 9:45 rolls around and she wakes up and the night really begins. Eventually she finds herself into my bed. Wonderful. Just when I thought she was asleep I would feel a slight tap, tap, tap then her fuzzy head would lift up in the dark and whisper "goodnight mommie, I love you." Heaven.  By the 15th time at 3AM Hell. 

The next few nights we drugged her.  Heavily.  Sedation works. Heaven.

Gunnar came up on Friday - we decide not to prod the demon so we blew up an aero bed for Gunnar and Britta stays in my bed.  The demon can not be persuaded.  She comes back alive again with full force this time.  Switching from Daddy's bed to Mommies and getting out of bed, talking, playing and crying Oh, the crying mixed with screams of course; all at 2AM (meanwhile the Foothills Ward Teachers, Priests and leaders were sleeping in the family room) Awkward...

Lesson taken from this.  There is a balance in all of God's creations.  We happen to have one of His chosen creations in our home.  She is an Angel sent to us to bring us joy, happiness and love but she is also a demon meant to torment us, question our abilities and sanity.  We love her and even when we question selling her to the Circus (which she does not agree with) we really can not get enough of her. 

So impressed with my picture taking skills

My most favorite Brother!

Pure bliss
Painting at the cabin!

She pooped on the potty so we drove to the closest place that had "lips"
which as it turns out is like 15 min away from the cabin.
It was worth it!

More painting

More lips

As it was pouring rain outside Gunnar and & Britta snuggled on the hammock.
Totally adorable!

She looks angelic right
There are two sides to every story

The best mom ever!
We had a blast!