While in bed I think.... ah, thank goodness...
"DID I JUST SERIOUSLY FEEL RELIEVED?"
My next thoughts go a little something like this...
Ok, I am not disappointed, I actually feel like a HUGE weight has gone off my back now that I have ridden myself of that pathetic piece of plastic in that silly, old trash can.
After Dr's appointments more than once a week at both Scottsdale offices,
yet ANOTHER HSG (histosalpinogram - that hurt like hell),
blood tests that I actually had to starve myself, and wait for more than 1/2 hour to have my blood drawn (admit tingly after that appointment I stuffed myself with as much food as humanly possible thinking 'who cares what weight watchers says?'),
having ultrasound after ultrasound,
watching my two dominant follicles grow,
waking up at 2AM having Gunnar give me a shot in the pa-too-tee and feeling incredibly nauseous throughout the next day,
getting 'business' done EXACTLY 42 hours later,
waiting two weeks,
taking what they "called" cherry flavored progesterone lozenges that actually did NOT taste like cherry but actual bile that had sat in the AZ sun for a whole day AND....
consequently having the WORST breakouts start on my upper chest and move all the way to my forehead just as we are going on vacation to FL.
Next thought,
"I'm done."
After talking to Gunnar, both of us agreed that we were going to take a 1 cycle, cold turkey, time out of this "baby making" stuff.
This meant:
no more Metformin,
no more Femara (that gave me hot flashes and the craziest mood swings Gunnar has ever seen since taking Birth Control),
no more counting days,
no expensive ovulation tests,
no more Dr appointments
no more shots at 3AM
no more "timed business action"
NO MORE! IM DONE!
It was completely liberating! That cycle came and went far far too fast. I needed more time. So we gave it another cycle. This cycle of freedom came with a big "GUILT" card that I, myself had placed upon me. I was happy, things were easy and I was not as much as a basket case as I had been the previous 6 months when we started down this path. Yet, I had this lingering thoughts in my mind like "there are SO many people that go through SO much more than I have, and I am taking a break?? I shouldn't feel so content with NOT doing all I can to have a baby. How can I be so happy when I really SHOULD have another baby. I am incredibly selfish!"
I expressed these thoughts to Bethany explaining that there must be something wrong with me that I am feeling so elated but, these thoughts of guilt kept creeping into my mind. She reassured me that those thoughts are guilt that we as women tend to put on ourselves and that I needed to remind myself how I am feeling and the other thoughts that lead me to take a break in the first place.
After much advice from Bethany AND Gunnar I soon realized there is nothing wrong with being happy with where we are. Gunnar said to me one night that I was especially feeling quite selfish for being so happy. He said "If you were taking a break and this was not what the Lord wants you to do, you would feel horrible and sad and wishing you were doing more. You would not feel good."
Then it clicked. My hands went up, I stopped trying to control things that I feel are out of our control and are in His control. It is a terrifying yet a completely freeing feeling leaving and giving this part of our life in the hands of the Lord. I know, with out a doubt that we had Britta when we needed to (despite our wanted timeline) and this next one, if there even is a next one, will come in His time as well.
That doesn't mean we are completely done with using methods of modern medicine. We are taking a breath, a pause a heartbeat, at least until we feel it is time to start up again. Right now we feel as if that could be at least a few more months or possibly never. But, who knows maybe tomorrow I will get up and think "yep, its time again".
But as for now we are enjoying our Britta and loving the Sweet Relief.
