Lucky Number 4

     August 2fird! A date we have all been hearing about for about 6 months and it has finally arrived! So we celebrated rainbow style! We had the birthday bash at my mom and dad's last night to celebrate and I guess 4 is our lucky number.  No crying, no whining, no freak-outs just pure unadulterated FUN! What a difference 3 years makes! We had rainbow cake and rainbow treats and with an August birthday there always has to be swimming!! Check out the fun afternoon we had celebrating!

I have to give myself dibbs on this cake.
Thank you Pintrest! You make a domestic goddess out of me!

We can't have a birthday without a little sass!

Beautiful right???
It turned out better than I could've imagined!

Britta being older and having AMAZING older cousins to help present opening was a BREEZE!

Birthday princess for sure! 

A year from now we will have a new baby and Britta will be a kindergartner! I can not wait to see what the next year brings us! 

I Don't Mind

After a two crazy years of trying to get pregnant... 
We finally are blessed with baby #2 on the way due on Feburary 11th!!! We couldn't be more elated.  Last time I was pregnant there really wasn't a "social network" per-se to announce this sort of stuff so I had debated back and forth to even "publicly publishing" the big news.  All this technology can get quite confusing on what is appropriate.  I hate to admit but in the past 2 years there have been too many tears shed when scrolling through status updates and pictures of newborn babies and adorable pregnant bellies.  But I did want those who do not already know that we are FINALLY expecting.  

There are many things that come from being pregnant this time around I have been able to experience many of them the good, the bad, the ugly. But I don't mind a lick.

I don't mind that for the past 9 weeks (I am currently 14 weeks but I don't count the 5 I didn't know) I had to divert my thoughts to food and smells that were appeasing

I don't mind that I mostly stick to skirts and stretchy pants because I am too lazy for real pants

I don't mind that I still use a rubber band to hold my pants up because my old maternity pants don't quite convey today's style.

I don't mind that up until now I have been too sickly to go buy the current style of maternity pants.

I don't mind that the past few trips up to Pinetop I have either had my head out the window of the car and then spent most of the vacay on the floor or the couch.

I don't mind seeing my midsection grow I swear by the day and expect it won't be long till the beloved stretch marks make their comeback.

I don't mind only being able to take tylenol to fight my migraines that show their face every once in while. 

I don't mind not cooking much anymore (Gunnar doesn't even complain at all!)

I don't mind any of the downsides to being pregnant and I have been trying to enjoy all the good things that come from being pregnant like ultrasounds and looking at baby stuff and not feeling a stab of hurt.  I feel like there was and is a reason why it took so long for us to have this baby I still don't really know why and there is a good chance I never will but, it takes me back to my testimony that my Heavenly Father knows us and knows our family far better than I will know us and He has a plan.  I know to have faith in His timing and trust that it will be better than I had ever imagined.  

Toleration

Unfortunately is has been a serious amount of time since our last little update.  Well, that's because there is nothing to update....


But what I can say is that it has come to my realization that in these past few months my strange, outlandish, impulsive, intense and sometimes ridiculous behavior are, to be put simply, being tolerated.


I, by no means want any pity or cast doubt that those around me don't love, support and completely adore me but as of recent, my habits and impulses have been quite erratic. 
Let me explain....


I can no longer use "drugs" (previous posts) as an excuse for my behavior.  My personal soap boxes and the occasional (ok, not so occasional) use of vulgar language ideas sound completely sane in my head then when I say it out loud I realize "that thought was much better in my head".  I have been finding many uses for spray paint. (and when I say many, I mean literally anything without a heartbeat) Did you know that you can spray paint those plastic boxes used for storing food? Yup, I spray painted that sucker, added glitter and WHAM! We have a new "cheer box" for scouts! 


Gunnar, being the creature that he is, just admires all I paint, plaster, sanding, more painting and seems amazingly supportive of my recent endeavors to start 10 house decor projects and not quite get them finished. He turns a quiet cheek when I have worn the same stretchy pants for 5 days and haven't washed my hair in a week and Britta and I are 'fighting' like we are two sisters who have been living in tiny cabin for the past month. The sad part about all this is that Gunnar isn't the only one who is tolerating the new Shay. No, no many others have shared in this new universe. 


Bethany (I hope she wont hate me for the shout-out) quietly listens when I am yelling and the stupid mini van who cut me off AGAIN, and even agrees with me on the fact the mini-vans should not be street legal in the US. I mean really? You choose a mini van?? She even LIKES my new pink in my hair that was originally just a short term choice turned into long term personal identity trait. 


I think my epiphany came when I explained to Gunnar one night that I don't think tattoos are THAT bad.  I mean, at least they are not CHANGING a persons features the way that those creepy plastic surgeons claim.  He listened, pondered and simply said "no, Shay, you cannot get a tattoo." No freak outs, no words of dissent just simple toleration. 


So when will this end? Maybe never.  I just count my lucky stars that I have enough people that love me enough to tolerate my idiosyncrasies.  Because without them.. who knows, I could have joined the circus as the tattoo lady and renamed myself Wanda. The world is my oyster and I intend to seize it! 




(PS I am sorry for any of those reading who have a mini van. When I say sorry I don't mean I feel sorry, I just feel sorry that you OWN a mini van :) 

Timing is Everything

Timing. One miss step, hiccup, pause or changing of events can completely  change the outcome of your life, a countries ultimate destiny and even change humanity itself.  One move or altercation in a different way can change so much. In history how many battles have been won by the army that had too few men, low supplies and disadvantage? How could Rome be defeated by a bunch of  barbarians?  How could a bunch of farm men and blacksmiths defeat the British Army?  When there is so much at stake how do things get placed so certainly without knowledge of the future consequences? In fact just one vote was the difference between the US becoming a German speaking country.   WHO KNEW?!


As I look back, one change in which Institute class I signed up for could have changed my entire life.  Who knows, I could be still looking for that someone special? One last minuet change in decision for Gunnar's work and we could be living in some far off country.  A decision of which Doctor to choose to try to get pregnant and we could still be just us.  The right house for sale at the right time when we were looking could have changed where we would be living? Just think.... we could be living in MESA! Oh, the possibilities! 


 The more you think about this topic the more paranoid you get.  The realization that we don't have any control over what goes on in our lives.  Our lives can and do change in one instant, second, minuet.  The comfort is in who is in charge.  Our Lord, knows us and knows our potentials, our limits, our minds and our lives. He placed strong men that lead those untrained yet valiant men into battle against the British.  He gave this country the brilliant minds that it needed to flourish and prosper. He guided me to take that Institute class (I can't even remember which one it was, I was a little distracted by the blonde RM sitting next to me.) He has given us guided inspiration to make the decisions we need to make and many times when we don't even know it.  


Here are some reflections of His guided inspiration in my life...
Oh, PS I don't have any wedding pics on my computer or else they would be here...

Just before we found out we were pregnant with Britta

Self explanatory...

This picture doesn't quite grasp the 'essence' of Britta. 

This one does.

We miss you Winter...
We have no decent family photos since Sedona.... 

School. It has saved our lives!

The cutest girls in Britta's playgroup!

I don't even know why I choose this picture but,
It may be my favorite one of her. 

I love how excited McKay looks in this pic!

It's not hard to find your guided inspiration.  All you have to do is look around you. 

Sweet Relief

It's 6:30AM and it is a morning/day I had been waiting for, for 2ish weeks.  I get up, quietly, not to wake the Brittsy, and wrestle with the most stupid packaging for a pregnancy test that I can think of. Pee on a stick as I have done more times than I would like to count, wait...wait... Oh, yup, it's negivite again.  Throw the test stick away and crawl back into bed.  


While in bed I think.... ah, thank goodness...


"DID I JUST SERIOUSLY FEEL RELIEVED?" 


My next thoughts go a little something like this...


Ok, I am not disappointed, I actually feel like a HUGE weight has gone off my back now that I have ridden myself of that pathetic piece of plastic in that silly, old trash can.

After Dr's appointments more than once a week at both Scottsdale offices, 

yet ANOTHER HSG (histosalpinogram - that hurt like hell), 

blood tests that I actually had to starve myself, and wait for more than 1/2 hour to have my blood drawn (admit tingly after that appointment I stuffed myself with as much food as humanly possible thinking 'who cares what weight watchers says?'), 

having ultrasound after ultrasound, 

watching my two dominant follicles grow, 

waking up at 2AM having Gunnar give me a shot in the pa-too-tee and feeling incredibly nauseous throughout the next day, 

getting 'business' done EXACTLY 42 hours later, 

waiting two weeks, 

taking what they "called" cherry flavored progesterone lozenges that actually did NOT taste like cherry but actual bile that had sat in the AZ sun for a whole day AND....

consequently having the WORST breakouts start on my upper chest and move all the way to my forehead just as we are going on vacation to FL. 

Really, relief?


Next thought,


"I'm done."


After talking to Gunnar, both of us agreed that we were going to take a 1 cycle, cold turkey, time out of this "baby making" stuff.  


This meant: 
no more Metformin, 
no more Femara (that gave me hot flashes and the craziest mood swings Gunnar has ever seen since taking Birth Control), 
no more counting days, 
no expensive ovulation tests,
no more Dr appointments
no more shots at 3AM
no more "timed business action"
NO MORE! IM DONE!


It was completely liberating! That cycle came and went far far too fast.  I needed more time. So we gave it another cycle. This cycle of freedom came with a big "GUILT" card that I, myself had placed upon me.  I was happy, things were easy and I was not as much as a basket case as I had been the previous 6 months when we started down this path. Yet, I had this lingering thoughts in my mind like "there are SO many people that go through SO much more than I have, and I am taking a break?? I shouldn't feel so content with NOT doing all I can to have a baby.  How can I be so happy when I really SHOULD have another baby.  I am incredibly selfish!" 


 I expressed these thoughts to Bethany explaining that there must be something wrong with me that I am feeling so elated but, these thoughts of guilt kept creeping into my mind.  She reassured me that those thoughts are guilt that we as women tend to put on ourselves and that I needed to remind myself how I am feeling and the other thoughts that lead me to take a break in the first place. 


 After much advice from Bethany AND Gunnar I soon realized there is nothing wrong with being happy with where we are.  Gunnar said to me one night that I was especially feeling quite selfish for being so happy. He said "If you were taking a break and this was not what the Lord wants you to do, you would feel horrible and sad and wishing you were doing more.  You would not feel good."  


Then it clicked. My hands went up, I stopped trying to control things that I feel are out of our control and are in His control. It is a terrifying yet a completely freeing feeling leaving and giving this part of our life in the hands of the Lord. I know, with out a doubt that we had Britta when we needed to (despite our wanted timeline) and this next one, if there even is a next one, will come in His time as well.  


That doesn't mean we are completely  done with using methods of modern medicine.  We are taking a breath, a pause a heartbeat, at least until we feel it is time to start up again.  Right now we feel as if that could be at least a few more months or possibly never. But, who knows maybe tomorrow I will get up and think "yep, its time again".  


But as for now we are enjoying our Britta and loving the Sweet Relief.

Real Life I'm Sad To See You Go

Arizona schools systems have this wonderful thing called "fall break".  This year we took advantage of the kiddo (and kiddos) being off school and playgroups and my parents got a beach house in Captiva, Florida.  It is a little Island off the west coast of Florida and it is AMAZING.  We had gone there about 4 years ago (pre britta) and had a blast and I along with the rest of my family dreamed of the day when we would go back.  Happy to say that time was last week.

After a great week (see pictures below) I have come to the conclusion that, there, in Captiva is where our real life is.  Family, food, nightly scripture study, sun, rain, sand, beach, animals, fishing, sunbathing, manatee & dolphin watching and best of all family bonding time.  

I would like to think that our "so called" reality (home in AZ) is not reality at all.  Busy days and bills to pay as well as all the pressures that this world has to offer is no longer real.  No, our reality is in Captiva. It was the perfect way to jump start our "hormone detox".  No worries, just reflection on life while gazing out at the ocean filled with sunsets that dazzle at dusk.  So take a gander at our real life that we had to leave...

The Bubble Room's AMAZING Orange Crunch Cake
A MUST HAVE!

Captiva is the mecca of sea shells!
And boy did we go "shell shopping" as Britta and my mom call it

Britta was quite the snorkerler 

The infamous "Kazoo at the Beach"

Grandma and Britta bonding time

Our own private walkway to our own private beach. 

Real life...

McKay's real life....
America's Next Top Polo model 

More reality 

yup, our reality 

Live Free or Die

At times I feel as if I really need to look back into my family history and see if I have any rebels in my family.  I recently have found myself paused in a moment thinking that I flat just don't fit into the "normal" and "natural" path of things.


1. Britta.  Need I say more?  I have never been the kind of mom who goo's and gaa's over her babies saying what a sweet spirit they bring and how wonderful it is to have her in our home.  I love her, of course.  Somehow I feel, more often than not, that she is a curse, terrorist, a demon to torment me and simply, my nemesis. Many who are around us have heard me say "who did I piss off in the pre-existance to be stuck with her?" Although, on a positive note, Bethany AND my mom have both decreed that there is a special place in heaven for me because of her. (this being after spending the weekend with her) I use that promise to survive the day. 


2.  Babies.  It's not as easy as it looks to have them. Well, at least for us.  That is all I am gonna say.


3.  I have a problem with being told what to do.  Over the simplest most silly things! A horrible example that I am even embarrassed to mention..... Mormon.org.  A good cause, important to show others why I believe what I believe and be a missionary to the world.  But just the simple fact of being told that I need to make a profile online and there was a sign up sheet being passed around this Sunday of those who have already signed up, kinda made me want to grab the paper and rip it up in front of everyone.  Again, horrible, I know, but my truth. 


4. Politics.  I am one of those people who have had the Gadsden Flag on my car BEFORE the tea party movement.  (for those who don't know what that is, it's the "don't tread on me" flag - one of our earliest flags that was created at the beginning of the revolutionary war) again, rebel.  When I told my family that I had registered "independent" 3 years ago  I think they had believed I had turned liberal. Nope, I replied, I just don't want to be associated with EITHER side.  I still stand by that now.


5.  I tend to say what I am thinking, no matter what the appropriateness. There are even times that Gunnar has to "tame" me.  Winter and Casey can testify of this...


and the list goes on....


All in all what makes me think that I belong is this: America began by settlers who were rebels looking for freedom that screamed "Live Free or Die" in the face of a tyrant king. I believe that, that sentiment is within ALL of us Americans.


Some more than others.... I just happen to be the "some more"