Live Free or Die

At times I feel as if I really need to look back into my family history and see if I have any rebels in my family.  I recently have found myself paused in a moment thinking that I flat just don't fit into the "normal" and "natural" path of things.


1. Britta.  Need I say more?  I have never been the kind of mom who goo's and gaa's over her babies saying what a sweet spirit they bring and how wonderful it is to have her in our home.  I love her, of course.  Somehow I feel, more often than not, that she is a curse, terrorist, a demon to torment me and simply, my nemesis. Many who are around us have heard me say "who did I piss off in the pre-existance to be stuck with her?" Although, on a positive note, Bethany AND my mom have both decreed that there is a special place in heaven for me because of her. (this being after spending the weekend with her) I use that promise to survive the day. 


2.  Babies.  It's not as easy as it looks to have them. Well, at least for us.  That is all I am gonna say.


3.  I have a problem with being told what to do.  Over the simplest most silly things! A horrible example that I am even embarrassed to mention..... Mormon.org.  A good cause, important to show others why I believe what I believe and be a missionary to the world.  But just the simple fact of being told that I need to make a profile online and there was a sign up sheet being passed around this Sunday of those who have already signed up, kinda made me want to grab the paper and rip it up in front of everyone.  Again, horrible, I know, but my truth. 


4. Politics.  I am one of those people who have had the Gadsden Flag on my car BEFORE the tea party movement.  (for those who don't know what that is, it's the "don't tread on me" flag - one of our earliest flags that was created at the beginning of the revolutionary war) again, rebel.  When I told my family that I had registered "independent" 3 years ago  I think they had believed I had turned liberal. Nope, I replied, I just don't want to be associated with EITHER side.  I still stand by that now.


5.  I tend to say what I am thinking, no matter what the appropriateness. There are even times that Gunnar has to "tame" me.  Winter and Casey can testify of this...


and the list goes on....


All in all what makes me think that I belong is this: America began by settlers who were rebels looking for freedom that screamed "Live Free or Die" in the face of a tyrant king. I believe that, that sentiment is within ALL of us Americans.


Some more than others.... I just happen to be the "some more" 

Therapy

There has been so much that has hit our lives recently and find myself wanting to write about it and yet, I have not found the strength or courage to do so. It mostly comes down to finding the courage.  My words have been lacking and my voice has been muddled over by discouragement, sorrow and plain chaos.  For me, my therapy is writing. Something that I like to think that my dear Grandmother, Maggie passed onto me. 

To start from the beginning... I have to update from our previous post.

We have been trying for baby #2 for almost 18 months.  We recently have been seeing I guess you could call a nurse practitioner, infertility specialist.  She is amazing - referred to us by the wonderful Dr. Nelson.  We have been doing the full workup of testing.  We have been through this before with Britta. Its no fun, emotionally and physically draining and terrifying. 

(I will get back to this in a bit)

Along with all the testing our dearest Maggie passed away this past week.  Something unexpected yet perfectly expected.  She would always remind us that she would "twinkle" and twinkle she did.  She is and will always be sorely missed. She lingers with us and will always continue to be a guiding light to our little family.  

With the multiple doctors appointments, medications and mourning this week there has been a peace and a confidence in the outlook for our future. I have no doubt in my mind that we have Maggie looking out for our hopefully growing family.  I know that our prayers are heard and there is a plan for our family and now with Maggie rooting for us from the other side of the veil I have the confidence that the Lord knows what he is doing and we can put our trust in him.     

I apologize for the seemingly long and, much to my dismay, depressing post.  I guess I am looking for my therapy.  I believe that "writing" therapy is a much better option than "retail" therapy at least from Gunnar's perspective.  

I have Paige to thank for giving me inspiration and courage to post about Maggie.  

She is the bestest friend a girl to ask for! Every girl needs a girlfriend just like her! 

Love ya babe! You have certainly made my week more bearable.